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God, I still want a baby.

I'm sitting here working, minding my own business, listening to worship music that turns into a sermon and God hit my heart with a question, to which my answer was:

God, I want a baby. And I haven't told You that for a while now.
In my grief, I packed the request in a safe space in my heart where I knew He could see it but I couldn't. His light can shine on it, but mine won't. In my fake-surrendering (you know the kind, where you "lay it down" and then actually don't? I do it all the time!), I pretended I've asked persistently - without ceasing, continuously knocking, continuously seeking. But I haven't. I've given up a little bit of ground and authority because my infertility has kept me pretty safe.
I know how to navigate being a two-person family. I know how to keep this routine, even when our routines shift. I know exactly how to handle most of the situations that come our way. I thrive in the day-to-day, feeling at home with myself, by mys…

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